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Christian Jokes - Four

The first two lots of jokes are from The "Laugh-A-Lot list"

~~ Yum - I'll Have Seconds, please! ~~

The following are actual menu items in which people have made incorrect use of English words and created some rather bizarre dishes:

 Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion (Poland)

 Boiled Frogfish (Europe)

 Buttered saucepans and fried hormones (Japan)

Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce (China)

Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream (China)

French Creeps (L.A.)

French fried ships (Cairo)

Fried fishermen (Japan)

Fried friendship (Nepal)

Garlic Coffee (Europe)

Goose Barnacles (Spain)

Indonesian Nazi Goreng (Hong Kong)

Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos (Cairo)

Pork with fresh garbage (Vietnam)

Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse (Hong Kong)

Roasted duck let loose (Poland)

Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) (Europe)

 Sweat from the trolley (Europe)

Teppan Yaki, Before Your Cooked Right Eyes (Japan)

Toes with butter and jam (Bali)

- As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org (Original source unknown)



Extra Baggage

  There once was a rich man who was dying. While on his death bed, he tried to negotiate with God to have God allow him to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven. "God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches. Can't I bring them along?"

This is very unusual," said God, "but since you have been such a faithful steward, I will allow you to bring one suitcase." The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks. Shortly thereafter, he died. When he arrived at the pearly gates, he was stopped by St. Peter.

  "I'm sorry sir, but you know the rule -- 'you can't take it with you.' You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside."

 "But God told me I could bring one suitcase," the man protested. "Well, if God says it's O.K. -- but I still need to examine the contents before you enter."

St. Peter took the suitcase from the man, opened it, and, looking very puzzled, said to the man, "You brought pavement?"

Now for a few jokes sent to me from all over the Internet

 A New Element

 The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, for an atomic number of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

 Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, one reaction that normally requires less than one second was extended to four days by the presence of a minute amount of Administratium.

 Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistance neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies suggest that its atomic mass actually increases in each reorganization.

 Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as government agencies, large corporations, universities and churches, and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

 Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising

Electronic Translations!

The electronic translator has done its work and the grammar checker has stated that your text is grammatically correct. But to a native speaker of a language does it actually translate into what you actually wanted to say ? Have a look at the following to see what can sometimes inadvertently happen...

* When Branniff Airlines translated a slogan touting its upholstery "Fly in Leather", it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked"

* Coors put its slogan, "Turn it Loose" into Spanish. It read as "Suffer from Diarrhoea".

* The Chevrolet Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. In Spanish, "Nova" translates as "it does not go."

* When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years ago, they translated their marketing slogan "Pepsi brings you back to life" pretty literally. The slogan, in Chinese, actually meant "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."

* Then when Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named their product something that when pronounced in Chinese sounded like "Coca-Cola". The only problem was that the characters used meant "bite the wax tadpole". They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness in the Mouth".

* When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA - with a cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what actually is inside the container since many of the African tribespeople couldn't read.

* MENSA, the orgnisation for the extremely intelligent, is the Spanish word for stupid (gender female).

* Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic....but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.

* Jolly Green Giant translated in Arabic means "intimidating Green Ogre".

* In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off".

* An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I saw the potato".

* In Italy a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water".

Bumper Stickers

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If you are psychic - think "HONK"

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries

There's too much blood in my caffeine system

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Computer one-liners.......

* Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

* COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

* Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

* Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

* My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

* C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

* <-------- The information went data way -------->

* The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

* BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

* Access denied---nah nah na nah nah!

* C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

* Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...

* As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

* E Pluribus Modem *...File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

* Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

* A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

* An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

* A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

* 11th commandment: Covet not thy neighbour's Pentium.

* Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

* Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

* All computers wait at the same speed.

* DEFINITION: Computer---A device designed to speed and automate errors.

* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

* ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

* E-mail returned to sender---insufficient voltage.

* Help! I'm modeming...and I can't hang up!!!

* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

* Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

* "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

* Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

* Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

* Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_|"

* Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

* Read my chips: No new upgrades!

* Hit any user to continue.

* 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! *

* I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

* Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

* Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

* Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup

* Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

* (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

* (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

* Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

* Programmer: A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

* Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

* XMODEM: A spot-marking transfer protocol.

* YTERM: A terminal program for queries.

* SQWERTY: Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.

* SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.

* Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.

* BATCH: A group, kinda like a herd.

* The name is Baud......, James Baud.

 

This article may be freely reproduced for non-profit ministry purposes but may not be sold in any way. For permission to use articles in your ministry, e-mail the editor, John Edmiston at johned@aibi.ph.